Hi Son , well what can I say another year without you, that is 16 now and it doesn't get any easier, just got back from the cemetary and it is looking really nice but still feels so unreal my mind just cannot accept that it is your grave, cleaning that big lump of granite and putting flowers on it, it is like going into autopilot when I go there I have to disassociate myself from the reality of what it is or I don't think I could do it, I shouldn't have to go there, you should be here, walking in the door and causing mayhem like you always did with you antics and carry on, never happy unless you were winding everyone up, pinning Dean and Vicky to the ceiling and then pretending you were letting go the screams when they were falling and then the giggles when you caught them, and the pleas from them " do it again John Paul" which you would till you would have my nerves shattered in case you did drop them, lol. O'h my God what I would give to turn the clock back, even though you tested my patience many a time. This life is so hard at the moment and I know if you were here you would have had this mess sorted a while ago, I don't know what is wrong with me I just seem to have lost all my fight or maybe it is just that I don't care anymore, you would have to flip a coin on that one, anyway one day the house might be finished and one day my kids maybe accept that their mother is ill but then again pigs might fly lol. I just hope you and Christian are happy and you have a wonderful life where you are, it is knowing you are ok that helps me cope, you take care and give Christian and Jeannie my love. You Know that I miss you every day of my life and now it is another year closer to being with you, that day when it comes will be amazing just being with you again and not living with this broken heart anymore. Love and Miss you so much Son, MUM xxxxxxxxxxxx