As we moved into December the pain of losing J.P. was awful, everybody was rushing around getting organised for Christmas and all I wanted to do was stop the world and get off. I couldn't understand how all the rest of the world was preparing to celebrate, how could they do that didn't they know what had happened? my son was dead how could they behave as if it hadn't happened. but as the days went by I was persuaded to put up the tree for Deans sake, he was only 6yrs old after all so up went the tree, no other decorations though, but did I feel guilty the only time I switched the lights on was when Dean was in the house, I went through the motions bought some presents for the kids sent a few cards but going shopping was a nightmare every shop you went into there was happy music or hymns playing, I don't know how many shops I had to walk out of, then trying to buy cards for my other 3 kids I tried a few times before I finally managed to get them everytime I looked at cards for son I ended up in tears and had to leave the shop how could I just buy 2 cards for son so in the end I bought 3 one for each of my sons, everybody thought I was mad what was I doing buying a card for someone who wasn't here anymore, but I just couldn't leave him out, and he has had his christmas and birthday cards every year since, I take them to his grave and stick them to his headstone,I even buy him a litle minature christmas tree and put it at his grave, I know people thought at the time that I had lost the plot but as the years have gone on there are loads of the graves have trees on them at christmas. I just can't miss him out he is my son and he will always be included in everything I do. The headstone should have been erected in the middle of December but as the time was going on there was still no sign of it going up, I was starting to panic as I was promised it would be up for christmas, it was finally put up at 3pm on christmas eve Christian had stood up there all day to make sure it was up, I waited till Christmas day to go to the cemetary.It was a strange day Dean was all excited just like any other kid at christmas and I really tried hard to make it as normal as possible for him but inside my heart was breaking this was the first christmas in 21yrs that J.P. wasn't there even after he joined the army he always managed to be home. after the kids had opened their presents we got ready and headed for the cemetary, I was dreading seeing the headstone it was like the ultimate reality check there was going to be a headstone with my sons name on it, when we arrived at the cemetary gates my heart was pounding I felt as if I was having a heart attack, as we walked through the gates I could see it in the distance it was huge it stood out from all the others because of its size, as I got closer I could see J.Ps picture and read his name then I saw the etching on it I just cried I was sad but at the same time I was so pleased the stone was absolutely beautiful, the artist who done the drawing made a brilliant job I had given him the words of the song Brothers in Arms and he drew it based on the words of the song, the detail was unbelievable. I put flowers in the pots and then we went back home as I was going in the front door the phone was ringing and when I answered there was a young man on the phone looking for John Paul, I was so taken aback all I could say was "He is dead" and hung up about 30 mins later it rang again it was the same young man this time phoning to apologise he did not know what had happened, He had been in JPs regiment but was posted to Ireland the week before the accident before he left Germany JP and him had made arrangements for him to come to Scotland for New Year along with a couple of other boys and he was phoning to ask JP if it was still okay to come,he was so upset when I told him what had happened he said he had been at the Circus disco with JP a couple of weeks before he had left Germany, I felt so sorry for him he was in an awful state, he sent me a lovely letter a few weeks later telling me how sorry he was and how when he first went to germany JP had looked after him and taken him under his wing, he said JP was a true mate and I was so proud of that. We got through christmas day there were a lot of tears shed but we got there, the next hurdle was new year a couple of lads from the regiment who were at the funeral had phoned to ask if they could come and stay for new year so it was arranged that they would arrive on the 30th dec.