well it was the start of a new year and I knew then my life would never be the same again, people kept telling me that time was a great healer but I knew in my heart I would never get over the death of my son, how could I he was a part of me and how can you get over that. as time moves on you maybe learn to live with it you become a different person you are still a mother' daughter, sister etc. but you are first and foremost a grieving mother and that has never changed, you can appear to be getting on with your life and to an extent you are but in the forefront of your mind 24 hrs a day is the child you have lost and a lot of your energy is spent keeping the emotions of that under control, you are always concious of how easy it would be to lose control. In January another boy from Jps regiment was killed, they had been out on exercise and sleeping out in tents in the woods the winds turned gale force through the night and a tree was uprooted and crushed this young lad, he was from a town a few miles away from me and i was asked if I would mind speaking to the family which I did, his mum asked me if I would attend the funeral which was being held at Ayr crematorium at first I said no that I didn't think I could cope with that so soon after JP but this poor woman was so distraught I finally told her I would be there, I just didn,t know how I would handle it and once again Major Donald who was also the casualty officer for that family stepped in, he offered to take me to the funeral and introduce me to the family, as I had only spoken to the mother on the phone, thank god he was there I don't think I would have got through the service otherwise, he never left my side the whole time, lending an arm for support when my legs wouldn't hold me up or taking my hand when the coffin drapped with the flag was carried in and I almost lost it, I think that boys funeral was more difficult on the day than JPs that may sound strange but at JPs I was so focused on making sure everything was done the way he wanted it i don't think the reality of the day really registered, but that boys funeral brought it all back I stood in the crematorium that day and it felt like it was JP in that coffin I think that was one of the worst days of this whole journey, at the end of the service Major Donald introduced me to the family I shook hands with the father and spoke afew words to him but when it came to the mother we didn't have to say a word we just held one another and cried, I knew how she felt and vice versa, words weren't necessary, there was a tea arranged at a local hotel but I just couldn't go,I asked Major donald to explain to the mother and to tell her I would phone her soon, I just went home and cried not for the boy but for my son. It was also my birthday in January and that was hard, not having a card or a phone call from JP, in February my sister had a new baby and automatically you think I hope JP phones soon so I can let him know, then it hits you he's not going to phone, I know it may sound strange but sometimes you forget that he died, I was so used to him being away for long periods of time and you often would catch yourself if the phone rang thinking just for a split second, oh that will be JP, or if something happened, thinking, wait till I tell JP that, and everytime you done something like that it was like someone twisting the fist that was in your chest when the reality hit again. My sister had moved back to live in Ayr, she had been living in Penzance but after JP died she couldn't bare to go back, she had given birth to a little girl on the 14th feb. and I think she probably thought involving me with the baby would be good for me, and looking back it probably was, she had bought a house about 5 mins away and used to just open my door and say watch Sophie because she had something to do, never giving me an option because if she had asked first I would probably have said no, I just wanted to be left alone, but she done that on a regular basis so I had to get of the couch and see to the baby.